


Solstice

by HeyGina



Series: goodbye my lover [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Crying, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hydra, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Psychological Torture, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-23 22:39:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12518168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyGina/pseuds/HeyGina
Summary: That’s what they want him to do, kill. Each day they take him to that room, and each day there’s a different person they want him to kill but he can’t - and he doesn’t even take the gun they offer him. They always punish him for it and it hurts like fucking hell (boots on his stomach and his face and his head and everywhere) but it would hurt more if he betrayed himself, if he betrayed Steve.(In which Hydra gives Bucky some very bad news.)





	Solstice

**Author's Note:**

> Winter solstice: the day with the shortest period of daylight and the longest night of the year.

He doesn’t take the gun.

He never does. He almost wants to, because he’s tired and hurt and tired of being hurt ( _God_ he just wants it to stop for a moment) but he can’t. He can’t fight for them – what would he tell Stevie if he got there and found him fighting for the Nazis? Killing for the Nazis?

That’s what they want him to do, kill. Each day they take him to that room, and each day there’s a different person they want him to kill but he can’t - and he doesn’t even take the gun they offer him. They always punish him for it and it hurts like fucking hell (boots on his stomach and his face and his head and everywhere ** _)_**  but it would hurt more if he betrayed himself, if he betrayed Steve.

One day, they don’t push him a lot, as if they knew he wasn’t gonna cooperate (which they must do). When he refuses to take the gun one, two, three times, someone pulls the trigger for him and kills the man tied up in front of him. While they take the body away, he waits for the punishment. He’s learned not to fight back anymore, both because it’s useless (they outnumber him, and he refuses to acknowledge the metal arm) and because they like it when he does. Yet that day, no one kicks him. No one beats him, no one cuts him. Instead, the four or five men watching him exchange glances and poorly-hidden smiles as one of them gets closer and grabs his hair (when did it get so long?), pulling back so he’s facing them.

“You know he’s not coming for you, right?”

When he says nothing, the man pulls harder. “Your friend, the Captain. You know he won’t save you, don’t you?”

Of course he will. They don’t understand. Of course he'll–

“He’s dead, you know? Rogers. He can’t help you.”

The name on his lips makes his fists clench, but he keeps quiet. It’s not true. He knows it’s not true, it can’t be. They’ve done this before – mess with his mind as well as his body. It’s not true. It’s just another one of their games, to try and get him to break.

Yet, he feels his throat tightening.

The man chuckles and lets go of him, making him stumble before regaining his balance. He tries to take a deep breath that gets stuck halfway, as another one steps forward – and throws a newspaper in his direction.

He doesn’t move. He doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t look down. He stares ahead, past them, past everything, and refuses to even glance at the floor.

“Look at it,” someone orders him.

He can’t. He can’t. It’s a lie. He can’t look. It’s not true. It’s not–

“Look at it,” the voice repeats, louder this time.

And he does. It might be the threat of punishment he hears that gets him, it might be that he’s curious deep down, it might be that he’s too tired to resist – but he does. He kneels and grabs the newspaper with his right hand, turning it over until–

No.

The picture on the front page feels like a punch to his stomach because it’s been too fucking long since he last saw Stevie’s face and he’s almost afraid he’s gonna forget it – but the headline,  _fuck_ he can’t even bring himself to read the headline a second time so  _fuck_ he just skims through the article feeling more and more lightheaded with every word he catches and  _no it’s not true it’s not true it’s not it can’t be it can’t–_

“Look, he’s crying!” – _be true it can’t be true it_ – “We haven’t seen him cry for a while, boys.”

He is crying, silent tears running down his face as he just stares at the piece of paper in front of him. His eyes are burning, his throat is on fire and his insides seem to have turned upside down, but he makes no sound. He bites his lip to try and keep down a sob and it’s not long before he tastes blood in his mouth. Not that it’s new to him, the taste of blood.

The pain he’s feeling is, though. New.

It can’t  _it can’t be fucking true_  – and yet a part of him, the part of him that’s already crumbling, knows it is.

“He’s not coming for you,  _soldier_ ,” they tell him again, and this time, he believes it.

He loses all sense of time and space as someone snatches the paper from his hand. They force him to stand (no kicks or punches this time, the newspaper seems to be punishment enough) and half drag him back to his stinky dark cell, where he spends the following hours (hours? minutes? days? years?) huddled in a corner, going back and forth between periods of numbness and periods of wanting to strangle himself with the metal arm. He screams until he loses his voice and cries until his head feels like it could explode and pulls at his hair until he’s almost certain he’s bleeding and wishes he was dead and wishes he could kill them all – until he realizes he can’t. 

He can’t. There’s no point.

There’s no point. 

Steve’s gone. 

And without Steve, Bucky is nothing.

The next time they take him to the room, he takes the gun.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing. Comments are highly appreciated if you enjoyed and I'll love you forever
> 
> (im cvptainbucky on tumblr! [come say hi](http://cvptainbucky.tumblr.com/post/166838258754/solstice))


End file.
